A retired man needs really good teeth

Back when I was running a billion dollar company, nobody at work paid attention to my teeth.  Everybody focused on listening to what I had to say and how I said it.  I was a very important man and everything I said was very important.  My wife didn’t care much about my teeth either.   Only when she reminded me of my annual dental visit did the subject of my teeth come up.  Since nobody else cared about my teeth, I didn’t care much about them either.  I chewed on ice.  I bit down into Tootsie Roll Pops as soon as I put them into my mouth.  I ate the sweetest candies, desserts, and ice cream.  I chewed Spearmint gum.  I drank tons of Coke, Doctor Pepper, and Snapple Ice Tea.   I didn’t floss.  I didn’t use a fluoride rinse.  I didn’t use the tiny in-between-the-teeth brushes. I didn’t use those pointed rubber doohickeys that scrape bacteria off the gum line.  As far as I was concerned, my teeth were fine.  I ate and bit and sucked on whatever I wanted.  That all changed when I retired and nothing was exciting about me anymore.  I mean, how boring is a man who spends most of his time playing bridge and golf?  Most men who play bridge and golf are very boring unless there is something very impressive about them that stands out; and it’s almost impossible for an older man to come across as impressive.  If you don’t believe me, think about Donald Trump’s hair or John Kasich’s jokes or Joe Biden’s hair plugs or Alan Greenspan’s analysis of current monetary policy…they’d all be better off without these ridiculous attempts to come across as impressive.  In fact, nearly everything an older man does to come across as more impressive just makes him appear ridiculous.  That is, everything except for his teeth.  Perfect teeth look great on an old man.   Perfect teeth make an old man look more impressive.  For some reason, perfect teeth do not scream fake or ‘I’m trying too hard’ like Botox injections, plastic surgery, hair dye, a beard and a Meerschaum pipe, earlobe earrings, a handlebar moustache, a toupee,  a nose job, and nipple piercings.  Great teeth always look great!  Da Vinci veneers, whitening of the enamel, implants, straightened teeth, etc.  They all look great and they all make an older man look more impressive.  So, please don’t think less of me when I admit to having spent a small fortune in order to make my smile look better.  If only I can improve my personality as well, I just might stand out as more impressive than all of the other unimpressive men that I golf and play bridge with.  But enough of that.  It’s time for me to brush with my Oral-B, Braun electric toothbrush, floss, scrape bacteria off the gum line, clean out the gaps between my teeth with the three different size go-between brushes, gargle with fluoride rinse and then with plaque and gingivitis preventing antiseptic mouthwash.  Inspecting my teeth with a magnification mirror after I’m done with all of this is the highlight of my day.

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