Me and My Somewhat-Dead, Retired Friend

Vampires and zombies are not the only  somewhat-dead creatures who suck the life out of the living.  A lot of us retired people are just like them.  If you think I’m exaggerating, you should spend an afternoon with me and my somewhat-dead, retired friend, Stein.  Once we get out of bed (separate beds, separate houses, separate wives, just to set the record straight), which is where we spend most of the day, it’s time to suck the life out of those who are productive.  The productive masses fund our social security and Medicare, clean our houses, serve us our food, wash our cars, trim our nose hairs, etc.  Stein and I are completely helpless without them, and like zombies and vampires, we have no use for them once they satisfy our needs.   We’d rather either spend our time with other despicable creatures just like ourselves or get back to our beds than spend a minute more than absolutely necessary with the productive masses.  So, although we are technically alive, we are living as if we are somewhat dead; and being somewhat dead is what my friend, Stein, excels at.  However, believe it or not, my friend, Stein, despite being the most somewhat-dead, retired person I know,  is also the happiest, which is why I find him to be the most interesting and important retired person I know.  I have no idea why he’s so god damn happy, but believe me, the man is incredibly and undeniably ecstatic.  So, what is Stein’s typical day, you ask?  Well, he sleeps a minimum of twelve hours a day, and would sleep longer if he didn’t set his alarm clock to wake him; and once awake, he’s too tired to shower or brush his teeth, so he often puts off his morning ablution until later in the day or week or month; and despite his foul smell, he has no problem mingling with the productive public and with me.   You would think Stein’s odor would offend me, however rather than be offended, I have learned to live with it.  Because Stein is more important and much happier than me, I would rather discreetly cover my nose, turn the car fan on full blast, or hold my breath when around him because it would be utterly rude and inconsiderate to insult a man who is vastly superior to me.  And so, odor and all, whenever we get together, we go off to lunch at the restaurant of his choice, and then take a walk at the pace he sets while discussing the problems of the world that he finds most relevant, and compare our lives, which never fails to prove how much better his life is than mine.  I’m always amazed that a man of his importance and high level of happiness wants to spend time with me.  I’m very unimportant and rarely very happy yet he enjoys being around me.  Stein is a true inspiration to me as I do my best to be more like him.  Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I am incapable of living up to his high standards.

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