So, the question you are probably asking yourself right now, other than ‘why the hell am I reading this stupid blog on one of the most insignificant websites (WordPress) in the world’, is: ‘Really, Larry Lipitor, so, you have, like, two followers, and you think Jonathan Franzen is the dork, not you?’ Before addressing this very pertinent question being contemplated by you, my two most appreciated, most intelligent, most amazingly discriminating readers, not to discredit you, even though the remaining world population of nearly 8 billion has absolutely no interest in what I have to say about Jonathan Franzen or Pokémon Go or Donald Trump or what I had for breakfast or how much I like coffee or how many toothpicks I go through in a year, is to ask you this follow-up question, which is posed strictly in the spirit of intellectual curiosity: Wouldn’t you agree that it takes a dork to know one and that Larry Lipitor is perhaps the dorkiest of the insignificant dorks that you follow on WordPress or Facebook or Twitter or Snapchat or IloveFruitLoops.com? Before continuing with my analysis, let me just say that there is no need to email me with your comments or respond to an attached survey or even push a ‘like’ or ‘not like’ button because I value your time and your privacy and don’t feel like I have the right to impose on you to do anything beyond reading this very insightful opinion about my once favorite contemporary literary talent, Jonathan Franzen, who has taken up birdwatching in Santa Cruz, California. And now, for my inarguable proof that Jonathan Franzen is totally a dork and overestimated by all of his readers. Okay, so it’s not inarguable proof, but it’s certainly a thought that will put Jonathan Franzen’s credentials as a writer in comparison to those who I consider to be the greatest writers of the past. And my thought is this: I can’t help but wonder what Henry Miller, Charles Bukowski, and John Fante would have to say about Jonathan Franzen’s preference to look at birds in lieu of laying naked in bed with a bottle of Jack Daniels, a satisfied woman, and a Victor Hugo novel. They’d probably say that Jonathan Franzen is a big dork like Larry Lipitor, who spends his spare time playing bridge, hanging out with his family, and doing everything he can to find a new follower or two to his totally dorky blogs. They’d probably also say that Jonathan Franzen’s 35mm birdwatching camera with the 3 foot long zoom lens could be put to much better use than birdwatching and write a snippet or two on what those better uses might be.